So, I skipped town saturday with Jes. went to Austin to meet her parents and pick up her dog. went out, ate, drank... were merry. met her good friend russell. cool guy, very nice.
so, this little saga comes to an end. i got over the dancing around the topic issue and we finally had a nice chat (after i was shot down trying to kiss her :) ) i'm satisfied. she thinks she's in love with nyc boy. i can't knock her for that. i think we bonded as friends and that's a good thing. her and i will never date, but that's ok. i'm happy having her as my friend.
went to The Room this evening with my neighbor. the ex was there, even after simon said she was about to leave two hours earlier. so it goes. i'm so sick of this stupid i-like-to-pretend-you-don't-exist game. i've said it before, and i'm sure i'll say it forever. it's silly. maybe she'll never get over it, i don't know. i know logically it's a sign that she needs to grow up and i should stay far, far away. If only it were that easy.
She looks miserable all the time. maybe it's only when i'm around, i don't know. other people have commented. that's sad. i hope she's not miserable, she doesn't desserve that. I hope she's happy and I hope everyday she's extremely glad that I'm out of her life. That would be perhaps that only thing that would comfort me. She told me some months ago that 2004 was going to be the "year of the holli." i hope she's holding to that and that's she's making all the right descisions for herself. If not talking to me is a part of that, then I have to accept it and deal with it. All I want is for her to be happy.
But enough about her...
So now, here I sit with a clean slate in front of me. No girls... no "prospects", no casual sex partners. My interest lies in no one. It feels strange in a way. I haven't been here for quite some time. I'm sure it's a good thing. It's time to focus on me. I remember when I was in Junior High, I finally came to the realization that I lied a lot. it was silly and there was no point to it, so I decided I wasn't going to lie anymore. And i stopped. I found the beauty in honesty. Then some years later I realized that I was a pretty selfish person. I didn't want to be anymore and I stopped. I found the pleasure in pleasing others. And now, I'm coming to the realization that I'm really bad at relationships. I know some of the things I do, but I just haven't quite figured out why, yet. I don't know why I can't show love. I don't know why I'm stubborn. I don't know why I grow complacent. But I want to stop. I want to know the joys of loving and being loved. I will conquer this, too. I will.
so, this little saga comes to an end. i got over the dancing around the topic issue and we finally had a nice chat (after i was shot down trying to kiss her :) ) i'm satisfied. she thinks she's in love with nyc boy. i can't knock her for that. i think we bonded as friends and that's a good thing. her and i will never date, but that's ok. i'm happy having her as my friend.
went to The Room this evening with my neighbor. the ex was there, even after simon said she was about to leave two hours earlier. so it goes. i'm so sick of this stupid i-like-to-pretend-you-don't-exist game. i've said it before, and i'm sure i'll say it forever. it's silly. maybe she'll never get over it, i don't know. i know logically it's a sign that she needs to grow up and i should stay far, far away. If only it were that easy.
She looks miserable all the time. maybe it's only when i'm around, i don't know. other people have commented. that's sad. i hope she's not miserable, she doesn't desserve that. I hope she's happy and I hope everyday she's extremely glad that I'm out of her life. That would be perhaps that only thing that would comfort me. She told me some months ago that 2004 was going to be the "year of the holli." i hope she's holding to that and that's she's making all the right descisions for herself. If not talking to me is a part of that, then I have to accept it and deal with it. All I want is for her to be happy.
But enough about her...
So now, here I sit with a clean slate in front of me. No girls... no "prospects", no casual sex partners. My interest lies in no one. It feels strange in a way. I haven't been here for quite some time. I'm sure it's a good thing. It's time to focus on me. I remember when I was in Junior High, I finally came to the realization that I lied a lot. it was silly and there was no point to it, so I decided I wasn't going to lie anymore. And i stopped. I found the beauty in honesty. Then some years later I realized that I was a pretty selfish person. I didn't want to be anymore and I stopped. I found the pleasure in pleasing others. And now, I'm coming to the realization that I'm really bad at relationships. I know some of the things I do, but I just haven't quite figured out why, yet. I don't know why I can't show love. I don't know why I'm stubborn. I don't know why I grow complacent. But I want to stop. I want to know the joys of loving and being loved. I will conquer this, too. I will.
posted by E to the C at
4:03 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home