I feel like my dog's ball. something that someone uses for their own pleasure without regard for the damage they're doing to it. chew and chew and chew, having a blast until it's in shreads and can't be chewed on anymore.

why do i allow myself to be this ball? thursday night was bad. got the call, went to the house. i realized it the next day. it's nothing, it happened, shouldn't have happened, forget about it. i did. I was good.

...until she called me today. "i'm getting off work, going to see scott and end all this (what does that mean? apparantly I misunderstood), going to take a long walk and then I'm going to call you." Well, the call never came. Should I have really expected it to? Now what should I think? I'm surprised she called, then I was surprised when she didn't call. I'm going to be the bigger person here finally. I emailed her. Long, long, long email. Last thing I said was that I can't talk to her about this anymore unless she's single. it's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. i will not be used like i was last christmas. it hurts too much.

she's on the verge of totally fucking this up forever. i think of this mojave 3 song sometimes and think of her:

Suddenly everything
fell out of place
You burned all your bridges
Cos you grew up too late
And the people you love
Are just so far away
When You're drifting

i love mojave 3... going to go listen now.